Date: Tue, 25 May 1999 17:26:57 -0400
From: Mark Fabi <fabim at sff.net>
Subject: Unnatural Laws:  final update

UNNATURAL LAWS (Final list--with a little gentle prodding from Ms. Bolton)

Fahey's Law of Information Acquisition:  Information wants to be found.

Breslin's Universal Binary Taxonomy:  Everything in the world is either a
walrus or something else.

Kovar's Dictum on Esthetic Cosmogenesis:  No one would create a universe
that goes ""clunk.""

Fahey's Caveat on Swimming Against the Current:  Sometimes getting in the
way of the Zeitgeist is like getting jacklighted on a level crossing.

Partlow's Principle of Prudent Procrastination:  Considerably more than 50% of
the time any urgent request for a software change will result in a product
which the end user will either want to have altered until it is unrecognizable,
or will want to have completely reversed and undone

Russell's Principle of Procrastination through Correspondence:  The amount of
time spent answering all the email piled up in your inbox corresponds directly
to how many past-deadline projects you need to have finished weeks ago.

DiSilverio's Rule of Volitional Inaction:  You never have to do anything
you don't want to do, except pay the consequences.

[Cf. Bartleby's Corollary --Ed.]

Brann's Polity Prescription:  The secret of successful government is high
principles and corrupt administration.

Gillen's Fast-Food Uncertainty Theorem:

   The contents of a bag received from a drive-through window are in an
undetermined state until checked.  The location of the vehicle at the time of
inspection determines the contents.  If the bag is opened while the vehicle is
parked at the window, the contents will conform to the order precisely (sole
exception: see COROLLARY II).  Once the vehicle pulls away from the window, the
contents will begin to conform to the original order in inverse proportion to
the distance from the drive-up window.  If the bag remains uninspected until
removed from the vehicle, no matter the distance, the contents will bear no
relation whatsoever to the order.

Corollary I:

   The number of extra ketchup packets and napkins contained in the bag
increases in direct proportion to the distance from the window upon
inspection.  As distance approaches infinity, ketchup and napkins approach
the totality of the bag's contents.

Corollary II:

   If the order (in whole or in part) consisted of any positive integer of
tacos, the number contained in the bag will always be determined by the
function T-1, regardless of distance, where T represents the number of
tacos ordered.

Corollary III:
   To an observer inside the drive up window, the contents of the bag will
always appear to coincide precisely with the order, regardless of distance
travelled prior to inspection.  No amount of objective demonstration has
been known to alter this perception.

[It should be noted that Mr. Gillen is the first observer to describe
quantum behavior on a macroscopic scale in fast food.  This phenomenon has
previously been reported only in cats and socks --Ed.]

Bolton's Exceptional Ethical Degeneration: Any discussion of any ethical issue
which did not become a discussion of femal genital mutilation did not do so
because it in fact became a discussion of the Holocaust.

Green's Law of Shampoo Economy:  The instructions that come with shampoo are an
infinite loop, ""lather, rinse, repeat.""  The only way to break out of the
loop is when you run out of shampoo. Therefore, it is most economical to buy
the smallest sized shampoo bottle available.

[This would appear to have practical application only in the rare case of a
computer programmer who actually washes his hair --Ed.]

THE APOCRYPHA (Spurious Citations and Malicious Misattributions)

Silberstein's Law of Infinite Pilodissection:  It is always possible to
split the hair more finely.

Davis's Canine Caliber Correlation:  At close range, a .357 magnum will
blow a hole in someone big enough to throw a Welsh Corgi* through.

[*Pembroke.  For a Cardigan, you need a .44 --Ed.]

Berlow's Hippothanatalogical Uncertainty Principle:  The only way to make sure
a horse is actually dead is to keep beating it.

Bolton's Unguiculate Redemption:  There is no prospect so dismal that it cannot
be appreciably brightened by the application of a coat of bubble-gum pink
toenail polish.