Date sent: Wed, 14 Feb 2001 07:17:34 -0500 From: Rob Nease To: johnny at charm.net Subject: Breathe Send reply to: johnny at charm.net In. Out. In. Out. In. I sit here and watch her sleep, slipping in and out of consciousness. It’s the most important thing in the world right now. It's all been too much. The pneumonia, the IBS, the breast cancer, the broken arm, the weakened kidneys -- it's all added up to this. Her heart’s failing. Her heart. She's only 55. Only 55. That’s too young. I shouldn’t – SHE shouldn’t – have to be worrying about this for another twenty years. Minimum. Out. In. Out. In. As long as she can. I don’t know if she can hear me right now. I sit here by her bedside, just like I have for the better part of the last four days -- going home to sleep, shower, but not much more. But other than that -- Bush could have tripled my taxes by now. Or halved them. Saddam Hussein could have invaded Israel. NBC could have gone off the air and been replaced by nonstop organ music. I wouldn't care. I wouldn’t go anywhere. None of that is important right now. All that matters is her. In. Dammit, Mom. In. There. Not yet. I don’t want to be here when she dies – But I don’t want not to be here. You know? I don’t know if I could stand to see it, but I’d feel so guilty not being here. Part of the reason I’ve been here so much. In. Out. You know, associations can be odd. Back when my mom and dad separated -- good though it was for my mom -- I was listening to the Indigo Girls. That’s when Mom came in to tell me she had something to tell ne. During Jonas and Ezekial. I can’t any more. If I hear it, I HAVE to fast forward the tape. It’s too painful. Even though I know the song has nothing to do with what happened, it’s too painful. Same thing now. Different song. It has nothing to do with what’s happening. But I’ll never be able to hear it again without thinking – Without thinking -- Come on, mom, as long as you can. Keep going. For me. For Cassie, for Larry, for all of us. In. Out. In. Out. Breathe. Just breathe. Rob Nease