From: "Jim Tourtelott" <aristides1791 at hotmail.com>
To: johnny at charm.net
Subject: The Blandings Solution
Date: Mon, 22 Nov 2004 20:32:22 -0600

As every educated person knows, whenever Clarence, ninth Earl of Emsworth is 
troubled--whether by the meddlesome suggestions of his sister, Lady 
Constance Keeble, or the prospect of his brother Galahad Threepwood's 
memoirs actually being published, or the demands of his secretary the 
Efficient Baxter that he attend to his correspondence, or the presence of 
another set of impostors, as common at Blandings Castle as mice in the 
wainscoting--he repairs to the sty.  There he spends many a pleasant and 
brain-soothing hour watching the Empress of Blandings, twice Silver Medalist 
in the Shropshire Fat Pig Competition, work her way through the daily 
regimen of calories laid down in that mighty opus, Whiffle on the Care of 
the Pig.

It seems to me we cannot really wish each other ill.  We have too much in 
common.  That being the case, when any of us is tempted to use vulgar and 
abusive language to another, I think we should reconsider.  I think we 
should imagine that our interlocutor is out of sorts, or weary of mind, or 
grieving, and that we should feel it incumbent upon us to ease his or her 
discontent.  Instead of suggesting that he or she perform an act that, when 
not physically impossible, requires a litheness not found in most Olympic 
gymnasts, I think one should rather offer the Blandings solution:  "Oh, go 
have a look at the Empress."

Jim Tourtelott