Some Johnny Humor

Below is some Johnny humor. Other submissions are welcome. Please send them to:

bfant@charm.net

Alumni Home Page

1. Have you heard of St. John's College?
2. Have you ever received any St. John's College admissions material?
3. Have you ever been to one of St. John's College's campuses?
4. Were you ever a student at St. John's?
5. Have you graduated from St. John's?
6. Have you ever been a student at St. John's and left?
7. Have you ever been a student at St. John's, left, and returned?
8. Have you graduated from St. John's but taken more than six years to do so?
9. Have you been a student at both St. John's in Santa Fe and in Annapolis?
10. Do you have a clear preference for either campus?
11. Can you argue for your preference citing one of the Great Books?
12. Can you argue for your preference citing Kant?
13. Do you think you know what the Categorical Imperative is?
14. Can you explain what the Categorical Imperative is in 100 words or less?
15. Can you explain what the Categorical Imperative is in 1000 words or more?
16. Can you refute the truth of the Categorical Imperative?
17. Can you convince a State Trooper not to give you a ticket on the basis of an argument that says the Categorical Imperative both for support and refutes it?
18. Can you effectively argue that Kant's _Critique of Pure Reason_ is a book that should be read by every man, woman, and child?
19. Have you read Thucydides _Peloponnesian War_ cover to cover?
20. Do you think you understand Plato's _Parmenides_?
21. Do you know what a "febbie" or JF is?
22. Are you a "febbie" or JF?
23. Are you aware that it is acceptable ettiquette to refer to a January Freshman as a "febbie" in Annapolis but a _faux pas_ in Santa Fe?
24. Do you think of Stringfellow Barr as "Winkie?"
25. Do you own one of those wicker chairs they use at St. John's?
26. Did you steal it?
27. Do you own any book that is a part of the Loeb Classical Library?
28. Do you own copies of any book in both Ancient Greek and English?
29. Do you own more than one translation of any book?
30. Are you destitute but cannot bear to sell any of your books?
31. Are you unemployed?
32. Do you have a job that you are completely unqualified for but for which you used sophistry to convince your employer to hire you?
33. Do you subscribe to the Johnny List?
34. Have you ever contributed to the Johnny List?
35. Have you ever flamed someone on the Johnny List?
36. Have you ever written anything to the Johnny List that was more than 500 words long?
37. Have you written to the Johnny List on the subject of gender issues?
38. Have you ever been to a guerilla seminar?
39. Did you feel guilty about reading something that wasn't on the program?
40. Having graduated, do you still feel guilty reading something that isn't on the program?
41. Do you think it would be cool to go to Santa Fe's Institute for the Study of Eastern Classics?
42. Do you have a clear preference between the Lattimore, Fitzgerald, and Mandelbaum translations of the _Odyssey_?
43. Does your computer have a Greek font, complete with accents?
44. Do you own a copy of Smyth's _Greek Grammar_?
45. Have you opened it?
46. Did you ever write a paper on Hegel or Kant?
47. Did you get smeared for it?
48. Having graduated, do you still occasionally go to Friday night lecture?
49. Do you still go to Q+A?
50. Do you think that this is the best possible way to spend your Friday nights?
51. Have you ever written a precept paper?
52. Have you ever handed a precept paper in more than six months after it was due?
53. Have you ever handed a precept paper in after graduating?
54. Do you still have copies of philosophical papers you've written in the past, but that make absolutely no sense to you now?
55. Have you ever handed in a philosophical paper that didn't make any sense to you the morning after you wrote it?
56. Have you ever received glowing praise for such a paper?
57. Do you ever feel like you don't belong in the world?
58. Do people look at you strangely when you use a polysyllabic word?
59. Do people call you a bookworm?
60. Do you feel you're a print addict, and have no desire to get over it?
61. Is your favorite bookstore threatening to garnish your wages to collect on your account?
62. Is the first thing people say when they come to visit, "boy, you have a lot of books!"?
63. Is your significant other suing you for abandonment because of the time you spend reading?
64. Do you read anything and everything in front of your eyes, even if it says "Lucky Charms"?
65. Is your spouse or significant other a johnnie? 66. Do you have a hard time imagining having a spouse or SO who was *not* a johnnie?
67. Did you at one time, or do you still have, a strong identity as either a Platonist or an Aristotelian?
68. Does this identity show in your own writing?
69. Does it influence your opinion of other writers, for example, Plotinus or Aquinas?
70. Have you ever missed sleep or meals because you were arguing about religious or philosophical points?
71. Are you often or always cast in a 'translator' role between groups of people with different backgrounds?
72. When you hear the word "Reality", is the first thing you think of a weekend in May?
73. Do you think a t-shirt with the picture of an ashtray and the word "eidos" on it is funny?
74. Have you ever tried to explain to someone like a gas station attendant just why it's funny?
75. Do you know what an "epicycle" is?
76. Whatever your field, have you read the very early work in that field, that most other people who do the work you do have never heard of?
77. Do you resent taking this written test as an affront to the principles behind the Program?
78. Do you think of the Program with a capital "P"?
79. Do you silently classify all men: "Dimitri, Ivan, Alyosha, Smerdyakov, Fyodor"?
80. Do you have trouble answering a yes-or-no question with a simple "yes" or "no"?
81. Have you ever answered a yes-or-no question with "So it seems to me, Socrates"?
82. Do you have any pets named after Great Books authors or characters?
83. Do you have any houseplants named after Great Books authors or characters?
84. Do you have any children named after Great Books authors or characters?
85. Does it not seem weird to you to study on a Saturday night or on vacation?
86. Do you own any T-shirts with obscure St. John's jokes?
87. Do you own more than 10 such shirts?
88. Can you recite the first seven lines of _The Iliad_?
89. Can you recite them in Greek?
90. Can you chant them?
91. Can you conjugate "luo" in the active present progressive?
92. Do you know what "aorist" means?
93. Have you heard of Plotinus?
94. Have you read any of Plotinus' work?
95. Is _The Essential Plotinus_ your favorite book?
96. As a kid, were you always picked last for the team?
97. Did you have a favorite teacher who attended St. John's?
98. Did you have a sibling who attended St. John's?
99. Did you have a parent who attended St. John's?
100.If so, did your parent name you after a Great Books author or character?

Add up the number of "yes" answers. The total is your Johnny score.

This is not the last version of the Johnny test--please send new questions to John O'Neill '93, jmo@ncgr.org and I will gladly include them in future editions!

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The Varieties Of Philosophic Kissing Experience, courtesy of Maria C. Pumilia, Santa Fe '93

Dear Doctor Rude,

I think I understand what a "platonic kiss" is, but could you explain to me the difference between the following kisses?
  1. Aristotelian kiss
  2. Hegelian kiss
  3. Wittgensteinian kiss
  4. Godelian kiss
Signed, Flummoxed in Florida

Dear Flummoxed,

That's a very good question; nowadays most sex education courses focus on secondary and tertiary sources, so much so that few people really get exposed to the classics in this field any more. I'll try to make a brief but clear summary of some of these important types of kisses:

Aristotelian kiss -- a kiss performed using techniques gained solely from theoretical speculation untainted by any experiential data by one who feels that the latter is irrelevant anyway.

Hegelian kiss -- a dialiptical technique in which the kiss incorporates its own antithikiss, forming a synthekiss.

Wittgensteinian kiss -- the important thing about this type of kiss is that it refers only to the symbol (our internal mental representation we associate with the experience of the kiss--which must necessarilly also be differentiated from the act itself for obvious reasons and which need not be by any means the same or even similar for the different people experiencing the act) rather than the act itself and, as such, one must be careful not to make unwarranted generalizations about the act itself or the experience thereof based merely on our manipulation of the symbology therefor.

Godelian kiss -- a kiss that takes an extraordinarilly long time, yet leaves you unable to decide whether you've been kissed or not.

Now, this is by no means an exhaustive list--here are just a few other classic kisses:

Socratic kiss -- actually really a Platonic kiss, but it's claimed to be the Socratic technique so it'll sound more authoritative; however, compared to most strictly Platonic kisses, Socratic kisses wander around a lot more and cover more ground.

Kantian kiss -- a kiss that, eschewing inferior "phenomenal" contact, is performed entirely on the superior "noumenal" plane; though you don't actually feel it at all, you are, nonetheless, free to declare it the best kiss you've ever given or received.

Kafkaesque kiss -- a kiss that starts out feeling like it's about to transform you but ends up just bugging you.

Sartrean kiss -- a kiss that you worry yourself to death about even though it really doesn't matter anyway.

Russell-Whiteheadian kiss -- a formal kiss in which each lip and tongue movement is rigorously and completely defined, even though it ends up seeming incomplete somehow.

Hertzsprung-Russellian kiss -- Oh, Be A Fine Girl/Guy, Kiss Me.

Pythagorean kiss -- a kiss given by someone who has developed some new and wonderful techniques but refuses to use them on anyone for fear that others would find out about them and start using them.

Cartesian kiss -- A particularly well-planned and coordinated movement: "I think, therefore, I aim." In general, a kiss does not count as Cartesian unless it is applied with enough force to remove all doubt that one has been kissed. (cf. Polar kiss, a more well-rounded movement involving greater nose-to-nose contact, but colder overall.)

Heisenbergian kiss -- a hard-to-define kiss--the more it moves you, the less sure you are of where the kiss was; the more energy it has, the more trouble you have figuring out how long it lasted. Extreme versions of this type of kiss are known as "virtual kisses" because the level of uncertainty is so high that you're not quite sure if you were kissed or not. Virtual kisses have the advantage, however, that you need not have anyone else in the room with you to enjoy them.

Nietzscheian kiss -- "she/he who does not kiss you, makes your lust stronger."

Epimenidian kiss -- a kiss given by someone who does not kiss.

Grouchoic kiss -- a kiss given by someone who will only kiss those who would not kiss him or her.

Harpoic kiss -- shut up and kiss me.

Zenoian kiss -- your lips approach, closer and closer, but never actually touch.

Procrustean kiss -- well, suffice it to say that it is a technique that, once you've experienced it, you'll never forget it, especially when applied to areas of the anatomy other than the lips.

Doctor Rude

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The Unnatural Enquirer, (C) 1992 by Trygve Lode (tlode@nyx.cs.du.edu) May be reproduced and distributed freely in unmodified form on a noncommercial basis provided this notice remains intact.

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