"What is This Stuff?" by Arletta Asbury "What is it?" Kris asked. "I don't know," Laura answered, "but it's gooey and smelly and yukky." She shivered in revulsion. But no one could see her shiver because, she like the rest of them, was just a large pink lump on Susan's lawn. Arletta came to stand in the open doorway of the house. She alone among all the N&NPackers had remained indoors. Her bad back had prevented her from racing outside as fast as the others had done when the alarms had sounded. Because of her handicap, it took her much longer to climb out of bed, or out of her sleeping bag in this case, than the rest of them and because of that fact she stood looking out at an unbelievable sight. "Laura?" Arletta questioned. "Who's that." Laura answered. "What happened?" "Never mind that! Help us!" "What do you want me to do?" Arletta asked. 'That was a very good question,' thought Laura. 'What could she do about this?' Finally Laura was able to stand up and clear enough of the goo out of her eyes to actually see again. She was almost sorry that she had. The sight was one she wouldn't soon forget. All of the N&NPackers (except for Arletta) were rising to their feet or else just trying to stand while covered with the most disgusting goo imaginable. People were stumbling into each other because they couldn't see properly. Mel, her second in command, stumbled over to her side and said. "What do we do now?" Laura shook her head and said, "I guess we try to clean up." Susan, whose guests they all were, headed for her front door and then stopped. "Wait a minute. We can't go inside now. This stuff would get all over my carpets, the walls, everywhere." "We have to take a shower, NOW! Never mind your carpets. Sheesh!" John remarked. "Hey, they're not YOUR carpets," Susan replied hotly. "Susan's right," Laura said, "but how can we clean up if we can't get to the shower?" Susan thought for a moment then replied, "there's a garden hose out back that's connected to an outside faucet. Maybe if we all rinse off, we'll leave the worst of it outside." "A garden hose connected to an outside faucet? That's COLD water," Kelly whimpered. "I think I'd keep quiet if I was you. Whose fault do you think all of this is, anyway?" Idealia warned. "Come on," Susan said and led the way to the back yard and the COLD rinse. "Oh, a hot tub. I'd forgotten about that," Kris said. "No you don't. This stuff would foul up the inner workings of it. You know the electronics and all the bubble making parts." "She's worried about the bubble making parts!" John said in a disgusted tone of voice. "No stay out of it, all of you. I have a plan and I think we'll need it intact. In fact, John why don't you start emptying it now. "What? Are you nuts?" he asked Laura. "Just do as I say." "Arletta! Where is she? Never around when you need her!" Laura grumbled. "Here I am," Arletta answered from the back doorway. She was trying real hard to surpress the giggles. This was too funny. But she knew if she started she'd never be able to stop. And the rest of them would NEVER speak to her again. "What do you want." "I want you to stop standing around and help! Go inside and find my purse. Take the money from my wallet. ALL of the money. Do the same with Mel's purse and any others that you can see." She turned to Susan and said, "Susan, where are your car keys?" "On the pegboard just inside the back door," she answered wondering where this was leading. Turning back to Arletta, Laura continued, "when you have the money, get the car keys. I want you to go shopping." "Shopping? Now?" "Yes, this smell isn't going to go away with a shower. I think we'll need tomato juice. LOTS of tomato juice." "Tomato juice?" Arletta asked. Then realization dawned. "How much tomato juice?" "As much as you can buy with our money. Enough to fill the hot tub," Laura answered. "But my hot tub!" Susan said. "Quiet" Laura snapped. "Just do as I say, everyone." "Okay," Arletta said meekly. She was relieved to be away from the smell emanating from her fellow N&NPackers and promptly hurried about her assigned task. Laura turned back to Susan. "Where's that garden hose? Let's get started on this." Just then the menage of dogs and cats brought by the N&NPackers discovered the door left open by Arletta. They ran happily outside and began sniffing each of them in turn. Not quite sure what to make of the funny smell most of the cats backed off. But the dogs sensed candy and started licking various people. "Ooh, yuk. Get away from me," Kris said to one of the dogs. "Inside," Susan commanded one of the dogs to no avail. Various N&NPackers began dodging the assorted dogs and began running in circles with the dogs chasing them. The dogs would have won but Susan finally turned on the water and began squirting both dogs and people with it. The dogs ran back into the house tracking muddy pawprints all over the floors. Susan screamed and started to run inside again but stopped in time as she realized that the dog's muddy pawprints were cleaner than she was at that moment. John picked up the garden hose that Susan had dropped and held it as each of the N&NPackers, in turn, received a VERY COLD shower from it. Most of them shrieked or screamed as the cold blast of water hit them but a few bore it stoically in silence. This garden hose shower helped in that most of the excess goo was removed by it. Kris, who was the first one thru it, headed inside for a hot shower in the bathroom. Mel who had been second thru the garden hose followed her indoors and headed for the second bathroom. Everyone else followed suit. they lined up inside for one or the other of the bathrooms with their blissfully hot showers. What seemed an eternity later, Kevin rapped on the door of the first bathroom and said, "What's taking you so long? Hey we're cold and wet out here and we need a shower too." "Not as cold as you'd be if you'd waited outside and spared my floors any further insult," Susan said looking at the rather large wet pools of liquid growing under each of her guests while standing in line. "Umm. I forgot clothes. Kevin, close your eyes," Kris said. "What? Oh, okay," Kevin said blushing. Kris emerged from the bathroom wrapped in a towel and made a dash for her duffel bag. She wasn't really clean, yet. But she was a lot cleaner than she had been a few minutes ago and couldn't stand around in a towel forever. Kevin was shoved into the bathroom by the next person in line and he too took his turn at the hot shower. When he was ready to emerge he asked the females to close their eyes as he made a mad dash for his suitcase. Actually someone was peeking but Kevin never noticed in his rapid towel wrapped streak past them. * * * About half of the N&NPackers had been thru the showers by the time Arletta returned with a car full of tomato juice in cans. Several of the N&NPackers carried the tomato juice cans over to the hot tub while Arletta went inside to fetch as many can openers as she could find. She returned to the others armed with only two openers. "That's all I could find," she said afraid. 'Everyone looked pretty mad by now. Especially at her. Just because she had remained unscathed everyone blamed their predicament on her,' she thought. Aloud she said, "maybe the neighbors have some I could borrow?" Just then the sound of sirens could be heard approaching. Everyone looked up and saw a police car heading their way. * * * "Just be grateful the cops had a sense of humor," Laura said. "My neighbors," Susan said shaking her head, "who would've thought that they'd call the cops just because they heard all that noise coming from my back yard." "Never mind," said Mel. "Just keep opening the cans." "I wonder how they'll write up their report," said Arletta who was standing as far away from her fellow N&NPackers as she could decently manage. Even outdoors and after their showers, the smell coming from the others was still overwhelming. "They did seem to enjoy the thought of a hot tub full of tomato juice," Arletta said, suppressing a giggle. The others just glared at her as they continued opening cans and pouring the contents into the hot tub. It was agonizingly slow with only two can openers. The idea of borrowing any others had been nixed by the cops who'd said, 'leave the neighbors out of this.' Apparently, the officers believed that the neighbors would just call the police again if any one of Susan's guests approached them. They were already uncomfortable with the thought of her having so many house guests. But all their screaming and shrieking had totally freaked out the neighbors. And the N&NPackers were still ....rather smelly....with a few traces of goo here and there. They were definitely NOT the sort of visitors that Susan's neighbors would appreciate right now. Arletta had volunteered to go back to the store for more can openers but Laura had vetoed that idea, reasoning that they'd be finished opening the cans just about the time that she would return with more openers. Everyone had finished with their showers and they were just standing around waiting by the time the hot tub was finally filled enough to receive its first 'customers'. It was fortunate that the hot tub was not a big one because otherwise they couldn't have gotten enough tomato juice to fill it from a dozen stores. Arletta claimed that it had taken four stores to buy as much as she had. Unfortunately its size also meant that only two people would fit into the hot tub at one time. This time John and Idaelia were the first ones to try the new bathing experience and the rest of the N&NPackers formed two lines awaiting their turn at the hot tub. Idaelia climbed gingerly into it and tried to avoid getting her face wet. Laura noticed that fact and instructed her and everyone else that they had to dunk completely--head and all--in order to get rid of the smell. Idaelia took a deep breath and sunk below the surface for a few seconds before bobbing back up. John followed her example and did the same. "I think you need to stay in there for at least a couple of minutes for it to work," Mel offered. "Yeah," Laura agreed, "anyone got a watch?" "No, I left it inside with...." someone began in answer. Just then Laura noticed Arletts's watch. "Arletta, come over here." "Um....I didn't mention my allergies, did I?" Arletta began. "Cans didn't bother me....but well...It's not the usual air borne stuff. Most pollen doesn't really bother me. Well ragweed, but who ISN'T allergic to that....but.." "What are you rambling about," snapped Laura interrupting her in mid ramble, "get over here and start timing us!" "Ah...allergies are tricky....you can't really mess around with them and such a large amount. Skin absorbs stuff anyway. And well I don't..." "Shut up, Arletta! And get over here." "I'm trying to tell you...my all time WORST allergy is.... "What?" "Tomatoes!" finished Arletta finally. "My worst allergy is tomatoes." Everyone groaned. A few N&NPackers started menacingly towards her. Arletta quickly took off her watch and threw it at the closest one of them as she said, "I think I'd better check into a motel for a couple of days. Just until all the tomato juice is gone." "How do you propose getting to a motel? You're not taking Susan's car and leaving us stranded here" "Maybe someone could call me a cab?" "You're a cab," answered Ray. "I think I can flag one down a couple of streets over," Arletta said as she fled. "Good riddance," Kris said, "her and her 'bad back' and allergies. Did anyone believe a word of that?" "No," mumbled quite a few people. "Never mind her." said Susan. "Just where do you think you're going?" she said to Idaelia and John. They had climbed out of the hot tub and were about to go inside for another shower. This time it was to wash off the reside of tomato juice. "You're not going to drip tomato juice all over my floors now!" "What do you suggest....Oh no" John said as he was hit by another blast of cold water from the garden hose. Finally when Susan was satisfied, John and Idaelia raced for a hot shower indoors .... again. * * * When John stepped out of the shower, he realized he'd made one critical mistake. There were no more towels. Susan's supply had long ago been exhausted. And John's knapsack was in another room. He stood, dripping wet, hiding very carefully behind the door as he opened it and peered around. Spotting Heather he said, "clear a path for me, PLEASE. I'm coming thru.... um......streaking!" "Huh," Heather said and then understood. She cleared out fast. John made it to his knapsack unseen and hid in a convenient closet while he put on his last set of clean clothes. One set lay buried among all the goo covered ones and another set of his clothes lay forming the beginnings of a new pile of tomato juice covered items. When he emerged from the closet fully clothed, but still rather damp, John realized just how really BAD the house smelled from the piles of goo and tomato covered clothes and from his fellow N&NPackers who hadn't yet had the 'full treatment'. He decided to head away from the others towards the front yard of the house. That turned out to be another BIG mistake. "Laura, Susan, could you come around to the front yard, please!" John yelled. Susan who had just entered the house said, "in a minute okay?" She surveyed the huge mound of incredibly disgusting clothes and wondered 'what next'. Heather reappeared and said to Susan, "I guess we'd better do laundry now, huh?" "Not in MY washing machine," Susan replied and she shuddered. "I'll drive some of you to the Laundromat later." Susan then crossed the living room and stepped out the front door. She screamed and then nearly fainted. Her once beautiful lawn was now covered in pink goo....except for a few green poka dots here and there where her fellow N&NPackers had been standing at the time IT happened. And the smell was indescribable. Susan realized that she'd been incredibly lucky her downwind neighbors had merely called the police. They could've lynched her! John and Laura were examining one of the goo covered sensors. "It's ruined," John said. "All of them are ruined beyond repair. Electronic equipment just isn't meant to withstand gooey wet stuff." "Aren't there any left intact," asked Laura. "Maybe one or two from the sides of the house but not enough to do any good and they're useless without the controller which is also ruined." Laura sat down suddenly, with her head in her hands. 'All the N&NPackers had depended on her. She had let them down. They were now defenseless against the next attack.' She felt like crying but managed to choke back her tears. Then she realized that she was sitting on a goo covered front step. Now she'd have to go thru the cold shower/hot shower/tomato juice bath/cold shower/hot shower process all over again! "Somebody, just shoot me please," Laura said, "and put me out of my misery." The end