I have several best friends, I guess. I lived with Steve, the Woodman comes over often (when the Misses lets him), Jules provides me with occasional sanity checks between her volleyball and softball leagues, Karl and I occasionally hire each other at different companies. . .
If I had to rank them, Junior High School style (that's Middle School for you whippersnappers), I'd be hard-pressed. They all have the capability to tell me the truth, even when it hurts, something that I appreciate deeply. But there is one more that stands out.
I was a genuine Nihilist when I started college. Life was a cosmic joke, and I knew it. I had a simple plan. Become an Engineer, make a lot of money, a few friends that could stand me, and find a pretty girl that would put up with me. It was cynical and I knew it, and I didn't care. There was only one problem. My social skills were not up to the task.
Oh, I wasn't a social leper or anything. I bathed often and dressed normally. I had just been a loner for so long I really didn't know how to make smalltalk. My face was usually deadpan, and being blessed with large, stern eyebrows, people always thought that I was in a bad mood even when I wasn't. I also had a cynical, biting sense of humor that some (most) found a bit intimidating.
There were reasons I was this way. The church I grew up in discouraged hanging out with non-members, and there was a bit of an age gap of kids around me. Also, a lot of this grew out of our wonderful public education system. Instead of advancing me a grade when I asked for it in Third Grade, they stuck me in the "accelerated" classes. I was so bored I lost interest in school.
I got a reputation as a know-it-all, so I attracted the attention of the muscles-for-brains, who felt that they needed to demonstrate their superiority. I was taught at home not to fight. I put up with it until fifth grade. I got in about 30 fights in fifth and sixth grade. I was smaller than most, at the time, and I lost as many as I won, but mostly I just held my own. After that they left me alone.
This is were the intimidating demeanor started. I didn't go around threatening people or anything, don't get me wrong. I just looked like I was more trouble then I was worth to talk to. A perpetual scowl was on my face. People left me alone, and I liked it that way, mostly. I read all the books in the county library, did my own thing with a few close friends, model rockets, riding my bicycle, whatever. When I was almost 14 my Dad passed on because of cancer.
Through my mid-teens, I was one of those guys who felt that all his problems would be solved by meeting the right girl. I was realizing differently by my late teens. Right before starting college, I met a girl at a church function (I still attended for family harmony reasons). She was very spiritual, and I decided that it was worth pretending to be spiritual to have her. We had a brief romance before she saw through me and dumped me. At that point, I decided that, if I was going to be an Atheistic Nihilist, at least I would be one with integrity. I decided never to make a religious or philosophical decision because of the influence of a woman.
When I went to college, I decided to change. I would learn how to be popular enough to achieve my social goals. I started trying to hang out with people in the usual places, the cafeteria, school lounges, etc. I met and talked to a few people (i.e., girls) but found that, while I could make small talk, I didn't have much success in keeping in contact with them afterwards.
One day I happened to sit down in the college cafeteria with a group that turned out to be the Christian Fellowship. I held their theology in utter contempt, but there were some cute girls there. They were also a fun group, and didn't seem to mind me hanging around. After a while, they invited me out to a teen/college function called PowerHouse (yeah, it's at a charasmatic church, but I didn't even know that). I found it bewildering but interesting. "Why are they raising their hands?" I asked one of my new friends. "They're praising the Lord!" was the response. Later, someone pointed out to me King David's words in Psalms about praising the Lord with upraised hands. I knew about the scripture, I had just never thought of applying it, even when I took religion more seriously in my early teens.
I considered myself superior to my friends on two counts- my childhood church's theology was superior, and I had rejected that as well. I began to find out that my understanding of the Bible was limited, and sometimes downright incorrect. Starting with raising hands, a new way of looking at all I had all ready read in Scripture opened up.
Something even more startling was happening. My new friends were changing and growing. They were talking about the Holy Spirit in their lives. The Holy Ghost is something I had been taught was a force, not a personality. But, I saw them being affected in their lives in a way that I wanted. They were learning about each other and themselves and God. It was a very rare person in my old church that you could see God working with them in these ways.
I began reading the Bible. Instead of explaining away certain verses, as I had been taught to do, it was a relief and a pleasure to just take them at face value. I saw that God offered the Holy Spirit as power in ourselves to change. This is the change I wanted. Besides, it looked like this was right. The idea of knowing about something and not being right about it bothered me. I hated being wrong!
One night in the Spring of 1983 I got down on my knees and told Jesus that I believed he existed, accepted him as my Lord, and asked for his Holy Spirit. I knew that the power of His Spirit was the only way I would change my cynicism.
I never received the gift of tongues, and after a few years I sought out a church that worshipped in a manner that I found to be both scriptual and comfortable. The Brethren also have a structure (or lack thereof, but they know who they are) that appeals to me and others who dislike "organized religion.". I still respect the ministry of the my charasmatic brothers and sisters who introduced me to the God of Creation.
After being a Christian for half a year, the Lord began to turn me from my goals as a person to His goals. I had achieved most of the social goals I wanted. I had to lose ground for a while before He got my full attention. Being a Christian was not just about gaining lots of new friends and hanging on to them.
I've been a Christian for over 10 years now. I've seen a lot of friends come and go, and a few good friends stick around. I've felt betrayed a few times. I don't understand why these things happen. I do remember Jesus, though, in the Garden, being abandoned by his friends and left to be crucified alone. Any loss or betrayal I have suffered pales compared to Jesus's seperation from the Father, when He forsook Him who bore our sins upon Himself. Eli, Eli, lama sabachthanai, he said on the cross, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?". I may feel alone sometimes in this mortal life, but there is a home prepared for me in the heavens where I will never have to cry, "Why have you forsaken me?"
I'm so bored I think I'll go home.
I'd like to talk about this by E-Mail.